


Don't Take Romantic Advice From A Horse

by lees



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Awkward Compliments, But We All Know He's Just As Inexperienced As Eren, Dating Advice, Eren Has No Idea What He's Doing, Jean Really Wants To Help, Levi Just Goes Along With It, M/M, Neither Does Jean Tbh, awkward everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 18:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7397779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lees/pseuds/lees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren knew he shouldn't have listened to Jean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Take Romantic Advice From A Horse

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this whole thing on my phone, so apologies for any errors. Enjoy!

"You need help asking somebody out?" Jean's tone was incredulous, as though he could not believe the words Eren had just uttered from his mouth. The surprise subsided, however, and the boy's expression was replaced with something more lofty. "Well, I've certainly had a lot of experience in that field, Jaeger, don't get me wrong. But why ask me, of all people? You and I aren't exactly the best of friends."

The brunette sighed, hiding his face in his hands. God, he was so embarrassed. "There's no way I'm asking Mikasa about something like that, and Armin doesn't know the first thing about dating. You may be an ass, but you're intelligent enough to know the basics of romance."

Jean rolled his eyes, but he was smirking. "I'll let that comment slide. I'll help you, I guess, but I want something in return."

"I kinda thought you would. What is it?"

"All you have to do is talk about me in a positive light to Mikasa." A dreamlike smile passed over his face, and Eren resisted the urge to punch him. "You know, say things that might make her want to go out with me. She clearly likes you more than anyone here, so I'm sure you'll be able to do something."

"Fine, I'll do that." He hoped Mikasa wouldn't find out about this hasty agreement. "So you'll help? Because if you screw this up, I'll make sure you're the last person Mikasa wants to see."

Jean considered his choices for a moment, clearly unhappy with the threat. However, he seemed to reach a decision when he clapped Eren on the back, a boyish smile on his face. "Okay, Jaeger. Meet me by the kitchens after 3DMG practice- it's usually quiet down there." At the nod he received, he went on to say, "Mind telling me who this mystery person is? I'm rather curious as to how much of a challenge it'll be setting you up with this person."

Eren flushed, turning away for a brief moment. "Don't you dare laugh."

"Why, is it that bad? Is it Potato Girl? Krista, perhaps? Couldn't blame you for that one. What about that girl in your squad- Petra, that's it. Personally, I think she's a bit stuck up and bossy, but hey." He suddenly frowned. "It's not Mikasa, is it?"

"No, no, it's not any of them. It's..." He buried his face in his hands and groaned, the humiliation setting in. Jean was going to laugh, he knew it. Or tease him forever. But who else could Eren go to? He'd much rather endure Jean's verbal abuse than spend the rest of his days pining after the one person he couldn't have. "It's.. Captain Levi."

"Oh, okay, that makes this a little easier, I guess." At Eren's bemused expression, Jean only smirked. "What, you expected me to be shocked? Come on, Jaeger, even Connie isn't dim enough to miss the game going on between you two at the moment. Ymir was saying only the other day how it was just a matter of time before one of you broke. You'll be fucking by no time, just leave it to me."

"Don't say that," Eren hissed, completely mortified, although some part of him was ecstatic with hope. Maybe he had a chance.

All he had to do was follow Jean's orders. What was the problem?

~

Compliments. He could do this. Just go up to the Captain and tell him how much he liked his hair. Or his brand of cleaning equipment. Or his hair. Or his broom. That was a nice broom. Or his hair.

Eren knew he was freaking out, but there was no turning back now. Especially not after Jean had made him wash all of his clothes, as well as polish his boots, in order to make some sort of impression on Levi. He'd even tried to tame his hair, although that didn't really seem to have much of a lasting effect. Whatever. Jean had assured him that he looked fine.

He knocked on the door to the Captain's office, knowing that it was a little late for him to be up here, but not really caring. Levi was unlikely to punish him for such a mundane thing as being out of bed late.

"Come in." If Eren weren't so nervous, he would have laughed: Levi managed to sound as bored as ever. Heart thumping wildly, he pushed open the door, trying to remember everything Jean had advised him to do. _Keep your head up. Don't be the first to break eye contact. Make sure he doesn't catch you off guard: be prepared for every situation. Try not to grab his dick. Remember what I told you, keep your compliments suitable for young ears. We can't have you two fucking on the first date. Yes, this is a date. I don't care if nobody says it is. I'm saying it is. Now, go down there and get some!_

Oh, great, now he was blushing. Trying not to dwell on it, he entered the office, his mind instantly going blank when he caught sight of Levi sitting at his desk, bent over some type of boring paper-document-thingy. He didn't even look up as Eren approached, which riled the brunette up somewhat.

"Hey, sir," he greeted nervously, taking care to close the door behind him. Levi didn't respond for a moment, and the only thing to fill the silence was Eren's ragged breathing and the scratching sound of pen on paper.

Eventually, the Captain looked up, not surprised to see the young cadet standing before him. "What do you want, Jaeger?"

Not quite the answer he was looking for, but it would do for now. The brunette shuffled a little from foot to foot, already forgetting Jean's words and staring at the floor the moment Levi met his gaze. "I wanted to tell you something. Sir."

Levi leaned back in his chair, clearly unamused. "I'm listening."

"I-" Oh, yeah, compliments. What had Jean said again? Say what feels right. He could do that. Yeah. "Your emotions are as stunted as your height." That didn't feel right. Shit. But he could still fix this. "You're.. You're short." Levi was staring at him. Not good. What felt right? "It's... cute."

He stood, straight and stiff, hoping that that had been enough. From the shocked look on his Captain's face, he could tell that it had certainly been something.

"Thanks for playing on my insecurities, Jaeger."

Was... Was that a compliment? Yeah. Yeah, it was a compliment. He said 'thanks', after all. That was a good sign. That's why Levi was glaring up at him like he'd just stolen his cleaning equipment. That's why Levi's eyes were narrowed in what could only be described as pure anger. He'd fucked up.

"You have nice hair," he all but screamed as a last resort, tugging open the door and legging it down the hallway, too embarrassed by his failure to allow any rational thought to pass through his head. By the time he'd made it back to the kitchens, Jean was waiting for him, looking eager. When he caught sight of Eren's flushed red face, and agonised expression, he frowned.

"The compliments didn't work?"

Eren groaned.

"Don't worry, Jaeger." His zealousness was unnerving. "I have other ideas. You can't give up on him yet!"

Eren wasn't so sure if he wanted to know what those other ideas were.

~

The following week, Eren had nearly exhausted each and every one of Jean's so-called 'amazing' ideas. He'd scrubbed the castle clean from head to toe, hoping the Captain would appreciate his efforts, only to slip on the wet floor and slide straight into Levi, who happened to be carrying at a bucket full of dirty water at that moment in time. The carnage that ensued had not been worth the 48-hour work effort, and Levi only grew more pissed off with him.

He'd tried changing his attitude towards the Captain, going as far as to mock his everyday movements, which ended up backfiring on him when Oluo told him to cut the act because everyone thought he was acting like a conceited asshole. Levi happened to overhear that particular conversation, and called them both creeps for mimicking him. That was certainly not what Eren had been aiming for.

Still, the feisty cadet did not let that deter him from his main goal. If anything, Eren's determination to impress his Captain, and maybe garner his attention in a way that _didn't_ end in perpetual embarrassment, only strengthened. Despite his original doubt for the assured reliability of Jean's methods, Eren knew that, currently, they were his only hope of ever winning over Levi's heart. He'd let nothing get in his way. Even if it was at his expense.

Today, Jean had advised him to try something new: to be more subtle, and less in-your-face. So that was why Eren was standing outside Levi's office, balancing a cup, saucer, sugar pot, and milk jug on one tray, at 5:00 in the morning. It was a well known fact that the Captain rose early in order to cram everything into his busy schedule, which was something that Eren took into consideration when planning how to do this.

Personally, he was quite smug about this idea. Delivering early morning tea to his higher-up's quarters? Perfect. It wasn't like his usual brashness, but it was still bold enough to send a message across. And this was only stage one. _Surely_ things would work out this time.

He managed to balance the tray in one hand, using the other to knock on the door, pushing it open at Levi's command to come in. The Captain was sitting atop the desk, busy tightening the straps of his 3DMG and polishing the metal gas canisters around his hips.

"I figured it'd be you," the man said after a while, hopping down from the desk to allow room for the tray. He watched in curious silence as Eren placed it down, expression unreadable. "Is this why you're up so early," he asked when the boy turned to look at him, practically reeking of overconfidence.

"Yep!" Eren caught sight of Levi's incriminating stare, and frowned. "I mean yes, sir. I don't know how you like your tea yet, so I figured I could bring the stuff up for you to do it yourself."

The older man nodded once, before going over to the tray and peering down at it, as though determining whether this was worth his time or not. Eventually, he sighed and said, "I appreciate the sentiment, Jaeger."

 _Oh, thank God_ , Eren's relief was apparent by his expression, _For a moment, I thought he was gonna yell at me and say he hates tea or something. That-_

"There's no water in this cup." Levi was looking at him, eyes glimmering with amusement.

"Of course there isn't," Eren answered quickly, "The water is in that tea...pot... oh..." His voice trailed off into nothingness, and he cursed his own stupidity.

He'd brought everything but a teapot.

Levi caught wind of his disappointment. "Eren, this is fine, really, I can go down to the kitchens and-"

The cadet left before Levi could finish his sentence, hating the pity in the man's voice. How on earth was he supposed to tell Jean that he'd fucked up _another_ of his plans? He ran down the corridor, grateful that everyone else was still asleep or just waking up: he didn't need anyone to ask why his face was so red, or why he was breathing like he'd just gone a marathon. At this rate, Levi would never want him, and the only thing he got out of persevering was the chance to look like a bigger fool in front of his crush.

~

"Eren, are you okay?" Armin's voice was tinged with worry, but the brunette didn't have the heart to grace him with a response. He'd been like this all day- not speaking to anybody, while trying to avoid running into Levi as much as possible.

"He's fine," Jean answered for him, a carefree smile on his face. He looked at Mikasa from across the table. "Have I told you that you're looking lovely today?"

"Yes," was all she said, before turning to Eren. "Is everything okay? Do you wanna go outside and talk about it?"

"I'm fine." He ignored Jean's scathing look, staring down at his plate with dull eyes. He was doing his best to not look over in the direction of Levi's table.

"You need to eat something," Armin advised him, gesturing to his still-full plate. "Or Sasha will be at your food and you'll go hungry."

"I heard my name!" Sasha's voice called from the other side of the dining room. Eren looked over, to see Connie nudge her in the side, and the two of them were laughing about something. The brunette huffed, turning away again, and feeling like a lovesick idiot. Which he kinda was.

"Hey, Jaeger." Jean leant down to whisper in his ear. "I still have one more thing for you to try with the Captain. I promise you it'll work: it's worked for me with _hundreds_ of girls."

"That's unlikely," Eren murmured back. But at this point, he had to admit, he'd be willing to try anything.

_I'm trusting you, Kirstein._

~

Eren Jaeger was insane.

Part of him could not believe he was going along with this ridiculous idea. Had Jean been joking when he'd mentioned it to him? Or was Jean just as crazy? Actually, that would explain why he hadn't managed to successfully woo Mikasa. Part of him said to just go along with it, what have you got to lose? _My life_.

He couldn't _kiss_ Levi. The idea was just absurd. Completely, utterly messed up. Kissing his superior, the man who was in complete control of his life, the same man who happened to be the revered hero of the military-

Eren had never longed for something more.

 _It was a good life_ , he whispered once he'd reached the door to Hell, knocking once, sharp and fast. His heart was in his throat and he couldn't think straight, because really? He was probably about to die in a few moments.

Instead of his usual _come in,_ Levi opened the door himself, looking up at Eren as though this visit was exactly what he was expecting. "Evening, Jaeger."

Eren didn't really know what to say, what to think, where to move. All he could do was focus on Levi's lips, entranced, wondering what they would feel like against his. When it became clear he wasn't going to move by himself, the Captain sighed, and yanked him into the room. He pointed to a chair opposite his desk. Eren sat.

"You left so suddenly this morning," he began, leaning against the desk with both palms placed atop it's surface. "I was kinda disappointed, actually."

The cadet made a strangled noise in his throat, something that was supposed to be 'yeah, sorry', but came out as some garbled nonsense. _Just kiss him_.

Levi just shook his head. "You've been acting weird lately. Care to explain why?"

"I.. uhm.. no."

"No? But then- Eren, what do you think you're doing?"

All sense of rational thinking had escaped the brunette's head as he rose from his seat, clumsily pushing Levi back until his lower half hit the desk. The Captain's expression remained despairingly blank, but his eyes were more alive than Eren had ever seen them. He took a deep breath. Just inches away. He could do this.

"Don't hate me after this, sir," he murmured, trapping the older man in place with both arms. Levi didn't say anything, which Eren took as a good sign, so he pushed his mouth into the other's, practically devouring his lips. The Captain didn't move an inch, causing frustration to build up, so he tilted his head, trying to force his tongue into the other's mouth. It seemed that Levi eventually took pity on him, because he grabbed Eren's head, guiding him so that their noses weren't uncomfortably pressed together, and he could actually taste Levi on his tongue. It was a strange sensation. The man finally pushed away when the teen's hand trailed down his back, obviously not wanting to indulge him any further.

Eren watched in silence, panting slightly, as Levi wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve, disgust evident in his expression. If the brunette wasn't so high on his victory, he'd have been hurt by the action. "I'm guessing that's the first time you've kissed anyone," he finally said, and Eren was downhearted to find that Levi wasn't even breathless. It was as though the kiss had been nothing for him. Maybe that was the case.

Then everything got worse.

"Get out of my office." Eren was shocked by the hardness in his tone, actually taking a step back from the sheer cruelty of his words. Levi didn't look at him.

"S...Sir?"

"You heard me." He pointed at the door. "Out."

And so Eren left.

~

"I'm sorry this didn't work out for you," Jean sighed, leaning back on the grass to stare up at the cloud-ridden sky. "I honestly thought you'd get somewhere with this. Levi _clearly_ likes you. He's just stubborn."

"You're an idiot if you think that," Eren told him, sighing. "You should have been there earlier. I've never seen him so pissed."

"Somehow, I think you're overreacting." He was fiddling with something in his hands.

"Somehow, I think you're wrong." The brunette brought his knees to his chest, trying to find a star in that sea of darkness. There was no point hoping, now. After that kiss, Levi had made his answer clear: he didn't want Eren in the way that Eren wanted him. He'd even had the nerve to criticise the cadet's kissing skills, although even Eren knew that such skills weren't much to brag about. Whatever. It was over now, and no amount of Jean trying to reassure him otherwise would change that.

"Maybe Levi wants you to go back to his office. You know, to sort some things out." Jean was smiling. Eren glared at him.

"I'm not going to waste my time hoping he'll beg me to come back." He glanced at the slip of paper in Jean's hands. "What's that?"

Instead of answering, he thrust it into the brunette's hands, a smug grin on his face as he watched Eren fumble about to open it. "I was asked to give this to you. I'll say 'I told you so' in a minute."

Eren had to read it three times over to make sure he wasn't imagining things. Then he was smiling, looking up at Jean with disbelief etched into his face, and Jean was smiling right back.

_Eren. Come to my office when you get this. Dress nicely._

_Sorry,_

_Levi._

"He.. He wants me to go over there?"

"Yep!" Jean clapped him on the back, jumping to his feet. "Come on, then, Jaeger. We need to decide what you're going to wear for your date."


End file.
